I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
