Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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