i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
