I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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