Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
