Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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