I wish life had little blips of pornography
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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