Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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