i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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