Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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