i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
