shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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