There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
