im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
