I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
