im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
