Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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