My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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