FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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