it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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