Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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