DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
