i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's blow job season.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
