Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
