Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
