I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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