my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
