Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
