happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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