i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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