we have pet lesbian snakes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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