what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Found the puke drawer
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
