Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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