We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
