she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She bit a glass in half.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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