I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
