speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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