It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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