I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
