I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
