I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
