I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
