i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
