I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
