mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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