question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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