He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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