My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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