Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
