I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
